Tag Archives: anthony wetmore

Carly Rae Jepsen Jukebox Musical


This is merely a work in progress, the finer points I assure you will come as I sit and toy with the idea, but below you will find a list of songs and a basic outline of the story I’d like to tell. Thanks for checking out what I assure you is 100% worth your time. 

CRJ Jukebox Musical (Title Coming Soon)

by Anthony Wetmore

[Song List]

Boy Problems

Run Away With

First Time

Good Time

Warm Blood

Body Language

Black Heart

When I Needed You

Your Type

I Didn’t Just Come Here to Dance

LA Hallucinations

Hurt So Good

Favourite Color

I Really Like

Gimmie Love


The One

Call Me Maybe 




Carli: Bright-eyed 20 something. Short dark hair, pale complexion, radiant eyes, very laid back unless provoked. Growing more cautious with each new piece of information.

Jeremy: A sandy-haired late teen who enjoys the simple things; skating, girls, music. Very non-descript. Could be anyone.

Vicki: A vibrant young woman in her late 20s, she wears loud colors and sports a short bob cut with a shock of pink hair dye. Caring and kind, but can be turned off just as fast. 


Lights up on a young girl, Carli, sitting on a stoop outside of what appears to be a house,
looking down, at her shoes, deep in thought over the huge fight she just had
with Jeremy, her boyfriend of six months, when suddenly her cell phone rings. [Song: Boy Problems]

After the conversation with Vicki, she hangs up, feeling a
little better now that the two have made plans for the following Friday. Carli
reflects on her friendship with Vicki, and finds herself grateful. [Song snippet: Run Away With Me]

As she makes her way
home, she is over come with a sudden chill and a rough itchy black patch on her
wrist which she can’t help but scratch at constantly. She vomits a small amount
on a corner before disappearing off-stage and back to her home.

Upon entering her room, Carli
immediately collapses on the bed, falling asleep. Waking a short time later
she notices Jeremy has called her a
number of times, in addition to texts, in a fit she throws her phone across the
room, shattering it with an eerie strength. [Song: First Time] Overcome by some new power, Carli spitefully pictures what a return to Jeremy would be like,
laughing off the image of him tearful and sorry.

She picks a new phone out of her dresser drawer, powers it
on to call Vicki, invigorated, but
genuinely curious about her spreading black rash. They research together, but
come up with little information, much to Carli’s dismay.  Vicki offers to spend the night as a comfort,
but Carli declines, nervous about her growing strange violent urges. Vicki has
finally left and Carli has shed more skin, revealing a fine thin layer of hair
on what appears to be a strong, shiny insect-like limb. The fingers completely
fallen away, Carli smiles, the lights go dark. [Song snippet: The chorus of Good Time plays over a PA, fading in and
out, almost inaudible]

Several Months Later

[Song: Warm Blood] Lights
up on Carli, further transformed by the strange illness, half of her face is
covered in that fine shiny black hair, the eye has gone red and swollen, but
her demeanor is that of a rejuvenated Olympian. In her basement, an utter disaster
in terms of debris and blood splatter, a few body parts can be seen in odd
places, and there are piles of blood clothes. Carli is beginning to embrace her
true nature.  A phone call; it’s Jeremy.
She coughs, clearing her throat and answers, after some minor back and forth
she agrees to meet him for coffee. [lights

Carli, now appears to be her normal self, with some
inconsistencies in make-up and bone structure to a particular side of her face,
arrives at a gas station only to meet Jeremy, who is also on route to their
scheduled date. They trade awkward greetings with vague displays of casual
affection before actually talking. Carli convinces him to come back to her
place instead. Alone.  [Song: Body Language]

[Song: Black Heart]

Upon arrival, Carli is quick to
show Jeremy the basement and even faster, she tears away her faux face, taking
more of her original skin off with it and showing him what she has become, a
spider hybrid, bugging, bulging red eyes spin in place as an odd number of
large legs jut out and attempt to find purchase in opposite directions. Jeremy
falls backwards and is overcome by her form, only to end in muffled screams.
Satisfied, Carli collects herself and reassumes her human form slowly,
eventually nailing his pants to the wall alongside a series of other various
clothing along the wall.

[Song snippets: When
I Needed You]

Vicki has all but disappeared from Carli’s life since she
has developed her new abilities and in a rush of blood and viscera, Carli is
struck with a longing for that sort of natural easy relationship she’d shared
with Vicki.

[Song: Your Type]

After lamenting and several attempts to call Vicki that end
in failure, Carli drops the notion and grows angrier still. She camouflages
herself and sets out for the night.

[Song: I Didn’t Just
Come Here to Dance]

We find Carli at a club, dancing with anyone and everyone,
drinking and genuinely having a good time at first. The club is small and
packed, she sees an opportunity. Carli, silently extends her rear two insect
legs and begins to tear apart the legs of the men who come up to dance with
her. Amid the chaos of music lights and alcohol, no one notices the slow
decline in club goers, and certainly not the pool of blood filling out the
dance floor. Once a patron slips in the mess, Carli takes this as her cue to
slip out the back door, satisfied with her work.

That night, the body count is totaled on the news to be in
excess of 15, the authorities having lost count due to the complicated nature
of counting pieces of many bodies in strewn on one location. [Song snippets: LA Hallucinations]

Surprised by a text from Vicki, Carli spirals into joy and
ruminates on her future, friendless, or forgiving, she finds herself torn
between two worlds. [Song: Hurt So Good]

The two meet and ultimately
reunite after mulling over the minor details and the trajectory of their time
together as close friends. [Song:
Favourite Color]

Time passes and life calms down, Vicki and Carli grow closer
and develop something more than friendship, neither willing to fully address
the situation, it is an understood comfort. [Song snippet: I Really Like You into Gimme Love]

The situation finally comes to a head one day when Vicki finds
what she assumes to be an engagement ring hidden in Carli’s laundry. Carli
seems hesitant at first, but then is over come with joy as they celebrate their
coming nuptials. [Song: Call Me Maybe; snippet
of E*MO*TION; snippet of The One fading in and out at the finish]
 Vicki goes home to spread the good news and
just as she leaves, Carli runs to the bathroom to get sick. [lights fade]

The lights come up on an apartment some months later, it is
lived in and there is a mingling of styles, evidence that the wedding has taken
place and the nesting has begun. Carli and Vicki share a meal in the evening that
ends abruptly when Carli claims to have gotten an urgent phone call. After
disappearing to the bedroom shortly, she dashes for the door without a word. As
she reaches for the knob, we see her insect appendage and a busting seam where
Carli’s make-up is wearing away. [Song:
Store, snap to black]


All feedback is welcome. Thanks!

One of our own has started to craft a musical. Do share this with all your famous music friends for us please!

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Don’t You Hate Bank Fees?

By Anthony Wetmore (@TheMisterPipes, GhostConch)

Something a little different for Monday afternoon: Sheer Terror.

You know that sinking feeling you get when walking past a bank. Walking into your own is enough to send you into a fury of snot and spittle, rendered useless until you can find the nearest teddy-bear stand. They may cause grief, but of course they’re here to stay.

Stage one: Crying All The Time.

Does this look familiar? You’ve just left a halfway decent dinner party with Cheryl, your sort of new girlfriend, and suddenly you get a text: Hey! We just charged you nearly double for those drinks you chose to charge, you fancy bastard. “Oh no,” you think to yourself, “I’m about to lose it in front of my very new Cheryl girlfriend.” You try your damnedest to keep it together, but you cannot. It’s too late. Waterworks. You think she’ll ask what’s wrong, but instead she spies your phone screen and she’s off to the races too, both of you inconsolable wrecks. Cool sun-glasses and bucket hat are uncomfortable, but offer awkward glances, unsure how to interact with human people correctly.

Stage Two: Sleep It Off

So you’ve found a way to calm yourself, and Cheryl thankfully. You part ways and cannot stop thinking about the money that’s been ripped from you so swiftly. You slip into something more comfortable when your phone rings, it’s Gerald. He’s restless and unable to sleep, much like you, and you both decide to go sleep outside of the Chase to face off with your bank mano a mano, once and for all. Gerald, being your only true friend in this world organises an event and rallies several throngs of similarly pajama’d people to support the cause in this time of great need. 

Stage Three: Premature Celebration

The tellers and managers walk into the parking lot and are prepared to work when they see the masses of pajama’d people sleeping and cooking on camp-stoves, lying in wait for the Confrontation of the Century. They shuffle past nervously, quietly as to not wake the sleeping. You, in your half awake stupor see this as a sign of victory, albeit a small one. As the oppressors file into the workplace, you don your party hat and pop your emergency champagne, drinking deeply. Your rally friends, all now dressed for the day turn away in shame as you clearly have lost the vision and your mind absolutely.

Stage Four: Ignorance Is Bliss

“Matching pajamas, beds and group sit-outs and camp ins are too esoteric” you think, after Gerald pulls you down from the roof and helps you sleep off your unearned celebratory drunkenness. “Simpler.” he whispers gently into your upturned ear. “Signs” you growl back, not in an unfriendly manner. Gerald sets off for glitter and glue and poster board and the entire third grade class at Polly Williams Elementary. Soon your signs are constructed perfectly and you stand in the impromptu picket line, next to Cheryl, not your Cheryl, a different girl all together. You’re going to make it.

Stage Five: Performance Art

 Nothing you do seems to have any effect. You remember once in college you had a friend, Peter. Peter was so cool, remember? He used to write poetry, smoke orange peels and sometimes appear naked in the quad, decrying the works of Shakespeare as clear deconstruction of the lyrical stylings of N.W.A. “You make no sense.” you told your friend in confidence over cups of Darjeeling. “It’s art. Nothing makes sense.” He retorted, sipping on the too hot tea and staining his pants, much to your delight. So, you take to the basement and mix up some latex paint in the shade of every credit card you’ve ever had. You drench yourself in it and crawl slowly toward the bank vault. You get about half-way when they ask you to leave. “This place is a prison, you pirates!” you cry in a shrill voice before quietly leaving, asking if you could please have your hat back, it fell off in the minor scuffle.

Stage Six: Kiss a Fish, Asshole

  The bank is now taking a note from your book, it seems. You get several varieties of dead, cold fish in the mail, sent Priority Post. No other indication other than the address, a Pier near to your home. You know it’s them, and you’ve had it. Bank fees – Bank Feesh – Bank Fish – Scales – Fins. It’s all starting to make sense.

Stage Seven: Quarantine

You’ve come this far, you’ve eaten most of the fish they’ve sent directly to your mailbox and are at a loss for how to proceed, if at all. “If I’d never gone to the party….if I’d never bought those drinks…if I’d never met Cheryl and fell deeply in love. I might have a better life, I might have saved so much money.” You reminisce about life before. The freedom. The feeling of sun on your face. You resign to the fact that this is in fact your fault and lock yourself inside your apartment, cut the phone line, smash your computer and swallow the small pieces of your credit card you have fed through the shredder again and again. You close your eyes. 

Would You Kindly Buy These?

by Anthony Wetmore (@TheMisterPipes, GhostConch)

Coming soon from toy giant Funko are cutesy versions of your favorite terrifying aquatic guardians from the depths. Funko Pop! has ventured to Rapture making a quick stop at Columbia to bring back some familiar Bioshock faces for addition to their ever growing figure line. The figures being released are pictured above. We’ll get softened versions of a Big Daddy, Little Sister, two differently stylised versions of Booker DeWitt (with Skyhook and with Shotgun) and of course Elizabeth.

Sweet and bug-eyed like the rest of the series as we’ve come to know and love them, they should be coming out hopefully for the fall season. 

The additional Songbird Funko Pop figure has a definite release date of October 15, 2015, it can be pre-ordered via Gamestop now here: http://bit.ly/1Jytvlr and picked up on the release date at Gamestop locations.

Excited? We all are, just promise me two things: You’ll think twice about harvesting the Little Sisters for ADAM and you watch out for those drills.

LCD (Subway) System

by Anthony Wetmore (@TheMisterPipes, GhostConch)

“A beats on repeat, beating on me…” ~ LCD Soundsystem, “On Repeat” 

“Like a death of the heart, Jesus, where do I start?” Croons Murphy in a tired and longing love song to New York. Maybe the answer has always been the subways.

A change is slowly coming to the unrelenting subways of New York City. No, it won’t be more time efficient, and you certainly won’t be feeling any cooler or warmer in those unrelenting tunnels. There will, however, come a catchy tune you’ll hopefully come to associate with your stops. James Murphy, former front man of  the legendary New York dance-punk band LCD Soundsystem is setting forth on a new musical mission. Murphy aims to do away with the harsh beeps of lifeless turnstiles and replace them with what he’s calling a Subway Symphony

“I believe that music makes people happy, and it can make them reflective,” says Murphy in the video introduction to the project “The turnstile has to make a sound. It might as well be beautiful.”

Having been a consistent fan of LCD Soundsystem and Murphy himself, I can think of no better New Yorker to serenade the city with it’s own means of transportation. For more than twenty years, Murphy has had the idea to change rush hour from a dinning humdrum into an exciting musically driven journey home. Each station would have it’s own unique tune played by travelers and turnstiles alike, swiping through a song that will not only delight but also serve as a memory-marker of where you are and where you are going. As a result of this I could see the project being adopted further, producing a seamless inter-connectivity between all people and places that use the system. Making it home is no longer a frustrating  struggle, no longer a cold mechanical beep, but a smooth and wondrous Subway Symphony. In cahoots with Heineken, who is providing James with the backing necessary, it may not be long before we’re whistling the song of the F Train rather than cursing our tawdry existence and sub-standard subway travel.

You can keep checking back here for the progress of the project: http://subwaysymphony.heineken.com/

Nerd Hall Book Look: Are You Zone Ready??

by Anthony Wetmore (@TheMisterPipes, GhostConch)

Are you definitely a man? Are you not achieving everything you think you could be in life? Do things feel empty and without meaning? Then Tim & Eric’s ZONE THEORY: 7 Easy Steps to Achieve a Perfect Life might be the program you need. 

Now available to the public for the very first time, a book of revelations from the world-renowned discomfort comedy duo Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim has come in a great time of need. With Tim and Eric’s ZONE THEORY™ you will be able to find a meaning and function to your weird aimless life. Through a series of simple exercises, guided meditations and helpful charts and graphs, you too can reach Zone Plane 8, ultimate happiness and complete contentment.

Throughout the soon to be sacred and coveted tome, one will find the usual uncomfortable gross-out visual gags, off-putting product placement, strange nonsense language, wordplay, awkward vagrant models, and what would a Tim and Eric project be without heavy-handed strangely homoerotic dad humor, strange invasive technology, all through the prism of a new way of living. If you have any inkling who these beings are, you’ll get exactly what you’ve come to expect from ‘Awesome Show!’,’Tom Goes To the Mayor’ and more recently ‘Bedtime Stories’

Taking on themes they’ve approached endlessly and repackaging it in the book medium with a new twist is something I’m surprised they haven’t done before. The obvious broad and then more subtle jabs at Scientology, faith, and a roundabout self-examination of their own cult-type fan-base all present themselves clearly and beautifully in this full-colored, hardcover roughly 300 page book from Grand Central Publishing.

I am already well on my way in my personal journey to a perfect life (currently riding on Zone Plane 2). I could not recommend this book enough. Do yourself a favor and BUY THIS BOOK. Fan or not, YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE. ZONE THEORY™ is here FOR YOU.

[Photo courtesy of: brooklynvegan.com]